THE REAL GIFTS SERIES — WEEK 1

“Gifts were never meant to impress. They were meant to connect.” — Mary Coughlin

Why We Give: Remembering the Human Origins of the Gift

There’s a moment every year — usually right about now — when I feel myself resisting what the season has become. Not the lights, or the music, or the communal warmth. I love all of that.
It’s the pressure. The obligation. The creeping sense that we’ve mistaken objects for offerings.

Somewhere along the way, our culture reshaped gift-giving into a performance, an exchange, a transaction. “What should I buy? Will it be enough? Will it look like I tried?” The questions pile up, and the meaning drains out.

And every year, my heart circles back to the same truth: Gift-giving was never meant to be a commercial transaction. It was meant to be a human one.

We’ve lost the thread; but I believe we can pick it up again.

The Original Purpose of a Gift

Long before there were holidays or gift guides or shopping carts, gifts were acts of connection. They may have included:

• A branch of berries offered to a neighbor

• A handmade item passed between families

• A story, a blessing, a piece of wisdom

• A ritual gesture of belonging

Gifts were relational, not performative. They bound communities, deepened connection, transmitted meaning, communicated love.

In many cultures, the earliest gifts weren’t objects at all. They were presence, time, memoried stories, songs, ritual gestures, help in the harvest, care after childbirth, protection, blessings, courage, hospitality, solidarity.

The human origins of gifting were simple:

“I offer you something of myself so you know you matter.”

Nothing fancy. Everything real.

How Consumer Culture Displaced the Meaning

Fast forward to today: a capitalist society expertly engineered to equate love with spending and generosity with purchasing power. Marketers have convinced us that “meaning” comes in a box with a logo on it.

But that is not the root. That is the distortion. This distortion fuels: financial stress, burnout, family pressure, loneliness (ironically!), transaction instead of connection, and obligation instead of authenticity.

Here's a trauma-informed truth:

Obligation erodes safety.
Pressure erodes presence.
Overspending erodes trust and equanimity.

And that’s why I often feel the quiet ache of misalignment this time of year.

Caring Science: The Gift as a Caritas Moment

The key lesson I learned through my training as a Caritas Coach® is that the real gift is a caritas moment — a moment of presence, connection, intentionality, love, and humanity.

A true gift says:

• I see you.

• I honor your humanity.

• I’m showing up with presence, not performance.

As Jean Watson reminds us, the healing is in the relationship, not the transaction.

The B.U.F.F.E.R. Lens: The Six Gifts Beneath All Gifts

When we give authentically, we offer something deeper:

• Belonging — You are not alone.

• Understanding — I know who you are and what matters to you.

• Forgiveness — We offer grace, spaciousness, no strings.

• Frameworks — Clear expectations, reduced pressure, shared meaning.

• Equanimity — Gifts do not create imbalance or stress.

• Respect — Your presence matters more than any object.

This is the bedrock of relational giving. It’s what every nervous system longs for.

Trauma-Informed Giving: Gifts That Don’t Cost Safety

Trauma-informed developmental care teaches us to always ask:

• Does this increase safety?

• Does this increase connection?

• Does this increase empowerment?

• Does this increase equity?

Many traditional gift-giving practices actually reduce these capacities.

Authentic gifting supports nervous system regulation while transaction-based gifting disrupts it.

This series is your invitation to choose the former.

A Pause Before the Season Begins

This week, before you buy a single thing, I invite you to pause and breathe into this question:

Why do I give? And what do I most want my giving to communicate?

Strip away the noise, the ads, the obligations, the scripts we inherited.

What remains?

Meaning.
Presence.
Creativity.
Relationship.
Love.

These are the real gifts. Everything else is packaging.

REFLECTION PROMPTS

1. When have you received a gift that made you feel deeply seen?

2. When have you felt pressured, obligated, or overwhelmed by gifting?

3. What is the most meaningful non-material gift you’ve ever given or received?

4. If you could redefine the meaning of gift-giving for your life, what would it be?

5. What do you genuinely want to offer others this season?

A Simple Practice for This Week

Gift Memory Ritual
Sit quietly and recall a meaningful gift from your past — something small but profound.
Write down:

• who gave it

• what it meant

• why it mattered

• what it communicated about love or relationship

This is your compass. Follow it.

Closing

This series is not an indictment of gifts. It’s an invitation back to real gifts — the kind that heal, connect, comfort, and honor our humanity.

Next week, we explore the most precious gift of all: Presence.

Until then —
May you remember why you give, and may you feel held by the gifts that require no wrapping.

Hugs and hope, Mary