Have you had the darkness creep in on you and not even see it coming? That's what happened to me the other morning. Dan and I were hanging out, I was reading and he was surfing the net when he asked me a random question about kayaks and I was blindsided by a wave of overwhelming emotion. As he saw my eyes glisten and quickly asked what was wrong, I couldn't find the words as my feelings leaked out all over the place without warning. 



Dan's calm and soothing demeanor helped me regain composure through an interesting analogy that kept me from totally going under with my emotions.

His analogy began with a story, a story about kayaks. 

This is Danny on Lake Cupsuptic in Rangeley ME

We LOVE to kayak, although we are very much still novices, we are excited to get more into the sport. Yesterday Dan was talking to me about a thing called a 'spray skirt'. Apparently it's something that fits around the waist of the kayaker extending to the mouth of the kayak with the goal of keeping out the water and keeping the kayaker connected to their kayak. The interesting thing about these devices is that while they keep the water out of the boat, in the event that the kayak rolls over, if the kayaker is unable to maintain a clear head, they may not be able to release the skirt from the kayak and run the risk of drowning. 

OK, so here is Dan's analogical wisdom.

Emotions and BIG feelings can act like a spray skirt. If we are unable to take a breath, gain some sense of calm and self-control we will be swept under by our feelings however, if we can recognize that our feelings are simply trying to tell us something, we can take note of the situation, activate our higher brain and release ourselves from the grip of the emotional maelstrom and basically save our self from drowning in our feelings.

So, with that wisdom and Dan's loving presence I did not get swept under the current of my covert emotions and was able to regain a sense of balance and control, yet, I couldn't help but wonder, where were those emotions coming from, what were they trying to tell me, and why did they blindside me.

I did what I always do when I want to gain perspective and clarity... I went for a walk.

Walking in nature clears the air for me from my worries and the darkness. I wanted to understand where those big emotions came from and why they were lying in wait, so close to the surface to sabotage me.

That may be a bit judgy, I guess they weren't trying to sabotage me as much as they were trying to get me to notice something. As I walked and thought I began to realize I've been pretty hard on myself lately. I have been feeling pretty critical of my 'inability' to be where I thought I would be by this time in my career. I have been feeling super frustrated wondering 'who the heck do I think I am', talking a big talk while walking like I don't even have a map of where I'm going.

I think what I have been really feeling is just super disappointed with myself. Have you ever felt that way? It's not a great feeling but the more I try and dodge the feelings and pretend they aren't there the bigger they seem to get and the other morning they simply tackled me and I didn't even see it coming.

I think we all have big dreams and big visions. I know we all want to leave a mark in the world and I know, without a doubt, we are our harshest critics. And while it often feels easier to give grace and space to others, it's just as important to give grace and space to ourselves - even though I find this wicked hard to do. 

As I stood on the Harvest Bridge, looking out over the river at the reflection of the sky on the water a few more tears fell from my eyes and then I noticed the strangest and most loving thing ...the wind stirred and the branches of the trees overhanging the river also seemed to be crying as the rustling of the leaves spilled their accumulated raindrops onto the river. The sight of it caught my breath and I didn't feel so alone; Mother Nature was sharing my burden in that one moment. 



As I headed back to the path towards home I started thinking about tears and how they act like a kind of windshield washer fluid and Danny is the wiper. Without the wipers, it's hard to see anything clearly. 

Sometimes you just have to let your worries and frustrations flow. A wise woman once told me when your eyes leak it allows your heart to expand. When we try and stuff our emotions our heart can get crushed by the weight of them and drown. When we can release our sorrow, sadness and frustration we let go of the pressure, our heart can breathe and our vision becomes clearer.

We all need a good cry every now and again, and maybe more frequently than that just to clear out the emotional clutter we tend to accumulate when we are not paying attention to ourselves; when we haven't washed our windshield in awhile and maybe even our rear view mirrors. 

Oh, and don't forget your windshield wiper .

Thanks for taking the time to read me today.

Take care and care well,

Mary