Waking Up With American Dreamer: Patriarchy, Trauma, and Choosing a Different Story

"Patriarchy is not just a relic of the past—it is the trauma we risk repeating unless we choose a different story." - Mary Coughlin

The first time I saw American Dreamer with JoBeth Williams and Tom Conti, I thought I was watching a lighthearted romantic adventure. But something inside me shifted as the story unfolded. What should have been simple escapism cracked open a deeper awareness: I was watching misogyny and patriarchy dressed up as entertainment.

The subtle dismissal of women’s voices. The way “romance” was coded as male control and female submission. The unspoken assumption that a woman’s worth was measured in how much she could be remade to fit a man’s story.

I remember sitting there, feeling my chest tighten. This wasn’t just a movie. This was culture. This was what we were taught to laugh at, long for, and normalize. And suddenly, I was awake to it.

The Heartbreak of Recognition

It crushes me now to realize how accepted this worldview was—not just tolerated but celebrated. Entire generations were steeped in it. And the heartbreak is sharper still as I look around today and see how quickly we are being dragged backward.

Policies rolling back women’s autonomy. Leaders who wield power through domination rather than care. A culture that once again rewards silence and punishes dissent.

The patriarchy never left; it only shape-shifted. And now, with the current administration, it bares its teeth more openly.

Why This Awakening Matters

When I think about trauma—in the NICU, in healthcare, in communities, in democracy—it all comes back to the same root: the misuse of power. Whether in an incubator or a legislative chamber, trauma takes hold when human dignity is ignored and one group assumes the right to control another.

Patriarchy is not just a cultural backdrop; it is trauma by design. It teaches people—especially women, children, and marginalized groups—that their voices don’t matter. That their safety is secondary. That their dreams must be deferred.

Refusing to Go Back

We cannot let nostalgia or resignation lull us into believing “that’s just how things are.” American Dreamer showed me how insidiously patriarchy weaves itself into stories, but lived reality today is showing us the cost of letting those stories go unchallenged.

My work in trauma-informed developmental care is about more than babies in the NICU—it is about re-imagining how we hold one another in this world. It is about refusing to accept systems built on domination, silence, or erasure. It is about daring to weave a future where care is the culture, not the exception.

A Call to Wakefulness

So here’s the question for all of us:
What “movies” are we still watching without seeing what’s really playing out?

Because the fight for equity, justice, and belonging is not theoretical. It is happening in our policies, in our workplaces, in our homes, in our bodies. And if we do not stay awake, we risk becoming extras in someone else’s script of control.

The dream we are called to is bigger than the American Dream—it is the human dream of dignity, belonging, and care. And it will only come alive if we wake up to the stories that have lulled us into forgetting.

Until care becomes culture,
Mary