Have you ever watched the movie Wreck It Ralph? It's an animated movie where Ralph gets fed up being the 'bad guy', losing to 'good-guy' Fix-it Felix and heads off on a quest to prove he has what it takes to be a hero.
Felix is a handyman with a magical hammer and anything he touches with his hammer is miraculously repaired. You may be wondering why I am writing about a kids movie.
Well, it's because fixing things feels so rewarding, right? I absolutely LOVE the dopamine rush I get when I can fix something for somebody, especially when that something is for someone who seems especially vulnerable (although oftentimes, that's not necessarily a requirement).
I was definitely a fixer as a NICU nurse (and even more so in my personal life). Truth be told, I thought I was pretty darn good at fixing other people's problems. Things would definitely be better for everyone involved if folks would just listen to me and follow my directions, advice, or guidance.
Is this resonating with you?
But then, just recently I was having a bad day. I was wrestling with some inner turmoil triggered by unrelated external events. I didn't like how I was feeling or what I was thinking but I felt like a teapot on slow boil - I had to let off some steam.
Has that ever happened to you; something happens or someone says or does something that just hits you in a way that sets off a domino effect of unresolved insecurity, frustration, whatever?
When my husband got home I asked him if I could run this stuff by him and he said sure (🥰). As I was taking him through all the intricacies and emotions of my perceived dilemma he tried to stop me a couple times. I asked him to hold on but I quickly realized, he was bursting at the seams to fix it.
In that moment I discovered I just needed him to feel it, feel me, bear witness to my frustration and give me the space and grace I needed to blow off the steam. There was nothing that needed fixing, it was all about me simply letting go.
I needed a sounding board so that all the turmoil that was raging inside me could get out of my head so I could see it and hear it for what it was. I needed to release some steam.
While fixing things can give you a dopamine hit (and can be the right thing to do in some situations), it often leaves the other person unseen and unheard. Whether that other person is your partner, friend, child or someone you are caring for in the course of your professional work, trying to be the fixer can actually cause more harm than help.
We can try and fix it, but we must first feel it; feel with the other person. Create the space that allows the other person to feel seen, to feel heard - that's where the magic happens, not just for the person we are with in that moment, but for ourselves as well.
When we are able to be fully present to the 'steam' and resist the urge to react to what may feel very uncomfortable in the moment, we re-discover our superpowers of kindness, connection and compassion.
There are a lot of things we can't fix, but that doesn't make us the 'bad guy'. When we feel into another's experience, that opens up our capacity to be truly transformative and that, my friend, makes you a hero in my book!
❤️🙏
Big hugs and buckets of love,
Mary
P.S.: Please consider joining me, my incredible team and an expert international faculty at Caring Essentials' 4th Annual Trauma Informed Developmental Care Conference in Boston MA, October 13-15, 2024
We're not just talking about any event; we're talking about a gathering that's all about connection, learning, and making a real difference in the world.
Our passion for trauma-informed care is not just something we talk about; it's what we breathe, live, and advocate for every single day.
And this conference is the embodiment of that passion.